Breaking All the Rules Read online

  He was relaxed and as I leaned in to press my lips to his cheek I could sense that he’d actually let his guard down. I felt my heart pump in a way that was drastically different than he usually made it race. I caressed the curve of his neck and breathed in his scent. I closed my eyes and relished the warmth of his body, my cheek pressed to his. He wrapped an arm around me and pulled my body closer in an incredibly sweet move. I opened my eyes in surprise, but smiled, not that he could see my face.

  “Jenny,” he whispered against my ear.

  “Yes?”

  “I know you,” he started, “At least I think I do. I’m not sure.”

  “What are you unsure of?”

  He took a long breath, almost like he was afraid to talk. “That you won’t leave me again.”

  I gulped. I didn’t know what to say, but he didn’t give me time to process any of it.

  “I don’t think I could handle it again, Jenny, you leaving me. I just don’t.”

  I listened to him. I wanted to promise him that he had nothing worry about, but I couldn’t. I also didn’t think now was the time to say much. I just let him say what he needed to get off his chest before looking deep in to his eyes and giving him a long, slow kiss as my response.

  I cuddled up to him and shut my eyes hoping that words weren’t necessary anymore, at least not for the time being.

  “Can I ask you something?” He said after a long moment of silence.

  “Of course.”

  “Why did you never try to contact me after that night on your front porch?”

  I had no idea what to say. My heart was starting to race for entirely different reasons now. I leaned off his chest and propped myself up on my elbow.

  “I…I don’t know what to tell you Johnny.” I muttered, searching his eyes for some kind of understanding. There was none. He only stared back at me with the slightest amount of hurt in his eyes. “I guess…we were graduating high school a few months after that and then I was off to college.”

  His eyes quickly looked down to the side. There was another moment of long silence that was starting to feel palpable.

  “You never thought I was good enough for you, did you? You looked at me the same way your parents did.”

  My mouth came together in a frown. I could tell it was taking everything in him to say what he was saying. But I didn’t have answers for him.

  “Its not that Johnny,” I tried searching my mind for the right thing to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to lie to him. “I think we were just different people back then.”

  His eyes locked back onto mine and for the first time I could see right through him. He looked frightened.

  “We’re still different people now Jenny.” He sat up on the bed, facing away from me. I watched the muscles in his back heave up and down with each breath. “I can’t do this again.” He muttered before bending down and grabbing his boxer’s off the floor.

  “Do what?”

  “This!” He barked back as he slipped his boxers back on. “Whatever the fuck this is.” He waved his hand through the air in anger before grabbing his jeans off the ground.

  I quickly leaned up in bed with the sheet wrapped around me to hide my naked body. “What are you talking about?”

  He practically jumped into his jeans, “I’m not reliving that night again Jenny.”

  “What night?”

  He tossed his shirt over his head and was already searching the room for his shoes. “That night! The night you left me. I slept on park benches and under overpasses for a week after that. I had nobody.”

  My teeth clenched down hard in anger. He was being completely unfair. “It’s not like I had a house of my own. What the hell was I supposed to do?”

  “Not that.”

  “Then what!” I shot back. I was sitting on the edge of the bed now as I watched him put his socks and shoes on. When he was completely dressed he stood up and looked at me for a moment.

  “Let me ask you this then Jenny. If you did have a house of your own, or somewhere for me to stay, would you have let me?”

  My mouth fell open. I couldn’t believe he was asking me that. I stared at him for a long second before finally finding the strength to speak. “Of course, I would have.”

  I could see the muscles in his jaw tighten. He glared at me before making his way toward the bedroom door. I quickly got off the bed, but I knew stopping him was completely useless. If he wanted to leave, he was going to leave.

  He slung my bedroom door open, “I don’t believe you.” He said pointedly as he headed toward the front door.

  I scurried out of the bedroom, trying not to trip over the bedsheet I was holding around myself. “It’s the truth Johnny,” he stopped in the small hallway leading to the front door to listen to me. He still didn’t turn around to look at me. “Even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself, it’s the truth.”

  As soon as I was done talking he opened the front door and started to walk out.

  “I had loved you back then Johnny!” I blurted out. It was a desperate attempt to get him to stop.

  He stopped dead in his tracks in the open doorway. His head looked up as he took a deep breath in. He turned ever-so-slightly to look over his shoulder at me. I was at the end of the hallway, naked, clutching onto a bedsheet, with desperation in my eyes. I wanted him to stay.

  I wanted him to know he was someone worth loving.

  I could see the smallest bit of water in his eyes as his jaw clenched tight. Then he reached for the door handle, stepped outside, and slammed it shut without saying another word.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Jenny

  The following morning, I woke up to an empty bed. I sat up and stretched. I rubbed my eyes and blinked a few times until I started feeling a bit more awake. I barely got any sleep after what had happened. I got up and put on a robe and slippers before walking out to the kitchen. I looked around my condo and remembered all the things I said to him as he stormed out the door. It felt like I had been punched in the gut. My stomach dropped, and a familiar, unwelcome, sick feeling came crawled up my throat.

  He was actually gone.

  I stared the two unfinished glasses of wine on the counter. I remembered the way he kissed me and took my hand. His hands were warm like fire on my skin. Did he feel the same intimacy I felt?

  I leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor. My pulse was making my head pound. This couldn’t be happening. Johnny opened up during the session and was vulnerable with me in bed. He was honest about his emotions. I ran my hands through my messy hair and tugged at it. I felt hot tears well up in the corners of my eyes as I thought about everything. He made progress as my client and I let things go way too far. Things went too far multiple times in the same day and I didn’t just allow it, I enjoyed it.

  I felt sick to my stomach. How could I have thought things could work out between us? It wasn’t just our torrid past that was working against us. He was someone I was supposed to be treating with therapy. It was court-mandated for him. This wasn’t a joke. I started to realize just how much I screwed up. Shame and guilt flooded through me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. As tears slid down my cheeks, I couldn’t help but remember the tender moments I shared with him. I had clearly messed things up. What he said last night was right—we were two very different people. How could I even think someone like him would ever be in a relationship? How could I even consider that?

  “What did I do,” I muttered in to my quiet, empty kitchen.

  I jumped when my alarm went off. I looked at the clock in the living room and realized it was time to get ready for work. The sick feeling in my stomach grew worse. I had to get dressed and go in to the office and force myself to be every bit of the thing I didn’t think I could be– professional. It was completely irresponsible of me to let something like this happen and yet, it did. My alarm went off again and I was pulled out of my own mind. I couldn’t be late on top of all this.

  I walked to my bedroom
to select an outfit, but the moment my eyes landed on the empty bed and messy sheets, I felt my heart sink. I chastised myself for getting so carried away that I didn’t think clearly. I practically ran to the shower, as if scrubbing my skin and letting warm water pour over me would erase the horrible mistake I made. I stepped out and went through the motions of getting ready to head to the office. Even as I tried to focus on the most mundane tasks, I couldn’t help but wonder how I could have let things get this far. I risked my entire career, and for what? For a few moments of pleasure?

  I buried my face in my hands and tried to take deep breaths. I didn’t want to cry. That wouldn’t solve anything. But when I walked into the kitchen and saw the wine glasses again, a tear escaped and slid down my cheek. My entire life had been about working hard to be the best and make my parents proud. I risked everything I had worked for, all to enjoy some bliss; with a criminal. I wrecked my life to feel a connection to someone who probably didn’t exist anymore. I wanted him, but we weren’t high school kids anymore.

  I was a fool.

  I grabbed the glasses of wine and placed them in the sink. I watched the deep red liquid slip down the drain. I deserved everything that was about to come my way. For the first time, I took my eye off the ball and gave in to the fun thing, rather than the responsible thing. Now I was paying the price. I wasn’t looking forward to my session with him, but I couldn’t think about that just yet. Everything was too overwhelming. After taking a deep breath, I stepped out of my apartment only to find Scott waiting in the hall. He was the last thing I needed to deal with.

  “Is everything okay?” he asked with feigned concern in his voice.

  I couldn’t help myself when I burst in to tears. Immediately, he lurched forward and pulled me in to a hug. He was trying to comfort me but, even in that moment, I couldn’t help but notice how awkwardly he was holding me. Still, I didn’t pull away or stop him from guiding me into his apartment to sit on the couch. He looked concerned, but there was something else in his eyes.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked gently, scooting closer to me.

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” I shook my head.

  Scott pulled me toward him and held me again. It was awkward and even a bit uncomfortable but, still, I didn’t pull away. My mind was too much of a mess to care enough. He shushed me and stroked my hair, obviously trying a little too hard to comfort me.

  “Whatever it is, I can make it all better.”

  I shook my head, “You can’t. This is something that can’t be fixed.”

  He hooked his finger under my chin and lifted my head up to make eye contact. I felt my chest tighten. It wasn’t the familiar feeling of my heart racing when Johnny looked deep into my eyes. Scott didn’t feel warm to the touch, at least not in a way that reached me to the core. I could feel his breath on my skin and I could see that he wanted to move in closer. He was trying to comfort me, but he was also…

  And then he kissed me.

  For a brief moment, every thought in my head was wiped away. So, I kissed him back. It was slow and rather boring. It was a distraction. It was a kiss being shared with someone who my parents would have approved of. Scott was someone I didn’t need to break the law for or breach the code of ethics to be with. He kissed me under the pretense of comforting me, and I allowed it. It didn’t matter that he was being entirely selfish in going after everything he’d always wanted. I didn’t care that he was using my moment of vulnerability. He was getting what he wanted, but in a way, I was using him too. I had already done enough to cause irreparable damage in my life. This seemed easy. After every poor decision I had made with Johnny, maybe this was the sensible thing to do.

  I pulled back for a moment. I looked at him, but didn’t feel anything remotely close to what I felt with Johnny. I didn’t feel anything at all. No fire or spark or tingles at the back of my neck. When I looked at him I saw every decision I had ever made in my life. I had always done what was ‘best’ for me, never what I wanted. He made logical sense. He was intelligent and successful. He was easy and convenient, and above all I knew my parents would approve. Maybe they would finally think I was worth being proud of because I didn’t only have a successful career, but I had a partner who was a powerful and respected professional.

  As soon as I thought about my career I felt sadness wash over me. Johnny would get in the way of that. He had already gotten in the way of it. I hadn’t been myself over the past couple of days and it was all thanks to him coming back in to my life. I felt weak and ashamed. But with Scott, I probably wouldn’t feel shame. I wouldn’t feel guilty because it wasn’t as if he was a client of mine. The two of us didn’t even work together. It was convenient. It was sensible. It fell in line with the way I had always lived my life.

  It wasn’t what I wanted and that was something I knew deep down inside, but it didn’t matter. Still, I couldn’t deny that being with him was what would make everyone else in my life happy. So, I leaned in and brushed my lips against his.

  Scott immediately kissed me again.

  And I let him.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Jenny

  Scott started to kiss me harder, smashing his lips against mine. It was like he was starving and couldn’t get enough of me. He forced his tongue in my mouth and dipped my body back a bit. I kissed him back and placed my hands flat on his chest. He felt nothing like Johnny. His passionate kiss came off ravenous and desperate. There was nothing sensual about it. He pulled away and looked at me. He had immense satisfaction in his eyes, but the air of desperation still surrounded him. He was somewhat handsome, but I felt nothing for him. He put his hands on the temples of my forehead and pushed my hair back.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he breathed.

  I looked away for a moment. I remembered the way Johnny brushed my hair off my face the night before and knots formed in my stomach. I wanted to stop comparing the two of them. I wanted to forget everything I experienced with Johnny and everything he made me feel. I was taken by surprise when Scott pushed me further back until I was practically lying down on the couch. Even in that movement, he was awkward, but he still found a way to make sure I could feel how turned on he was.

  I gulped.

  He was really going for this and I was really just letting it happen. I was giving in because it seemed like the thing to do.

  He kissed my neck and breathed into my ear. I cringed, but Scott, the poor guy, thought I was shaking from his touch. He started unbuttoning my blouse with an eager smile. I wanted to stop him, but I didn’t. I had to give this a chance, even if I was fighting off thoughts about Johnny the entire time. He shoved my blouse open and kissed my chest.

  “Scott,” I said.

  He looked up at me and gave me a kiss, “I always knew, Jenny. I always knew this would happen eventually.”

  I didn’t respond. I had no clue what gave him that idea, but it didn’t really matter because it was happening. He pushed one of my legs against the back of his couch and thrust his hips forward, pressing his erection into my thigh. He groaned, and I made a sound of surprise, which he mistook as one of pleasure.

  “Yeah,” he whispered hoarsely against my ear, “I knew it, Jenny. I just knew it. I knew you wanted this dick. It was just a matter of time.”

  I wanted to recoil. His vulgar remark was a little too much. It wasn’t sexy at all. It was egotistical and even misogynistic. That was the moment I started to snap out of it. I saw him in an entirely new light and I didn’t like the new picture. But as he kissed me with desperation, I tried to justify him. He had wanted to be with me for so long that now he was losing all control. He was losing sensibility. Even I was guilty of losing myself in the heat of the moment. That was how I felt with Johnny.

  My stomach churned; I never thought I’d feel that kind of shame. I never imagine being the person who violated my ethics and compromised my career. I shut my eyes and tried to focus on being in the moment with Scott. After all, this was to distract myself from
what I had done.

  “I’ve wanted you for so long. You have no idea how many times-”

  He kissed me hard with his hands on the sides of my face. I didn’t want to hear his voice anymore, much less what he had to say. He slipped his hand under the hem of my skirt and rubbed my leg. It wasn’t a soft caress or a purposeful touch. It felt like he was pawing at me. It couldn’t have been more obvious that he was relishing the moment of finally touching me. He placed one of his hands over mine and guided it between our bodies. There were no muscles to feel from beneath his shirt. There was no heat between us that coursed through my veins. It was like I was numb to everything that was happening.